It Starts with Spinners

As is typical, those of us in the education profession are ahead of the curve on the latest fads that promise the eventual destruction of our progeny. I usually bide my time and hold my tongue when such calamitous events peek over the horizon. I can hold my tongue no longer. You may be asking yourself what has driven this teacher to break away from watching a riveting Mets baseball game to defend our society from doom. I boldly answer..Spinners.  Those little multi colored gadgets that have invaded the classrooms of America with their false promise are nothing but a society crumbling drip.  "It will help our kids be more calm", people say.  I fiercely object.  Try getting a child ready for one of their many standardized tests, which have the potential of deciding their value as a human being while dozens of brightly colored objects whir through the air in the classroom. Imagine then if you threw several brightly lit spinners into the mix. We in the education profession have reduced recess time for a reason!  We do not need more physical activity, we need less.  Have you seen recess time at your local elementary school?  Pure, uncontrolled chaos.  How can our children learn the absolutely reasonable methods of Common Core Math when their minds are focused on who can spin their spinner the longest? They can't. Do you want your child to fall farther behind the rest of the world? Give them a spinner. While I have clearly established that the cart to hell has Spinners for wheels, this is not the biggest issue I have with Spinners.  In a world where equality is a societal focal point, I cannot imagine a more deliberate way to separate the haves from the have nots. Some families just cannot afford to shell out 10 dollars for a worthless gadget. How is little Johnny supposed to feel when he is surrounded by the muffled sounds of whirring Spinners while he anxiously taps his  eraser less pencil repeatedly on the desk? Add to that the brightly colored, and God forbid, flashing lights of his classmates Spinners and Johnny needs a trip to the school counselor. Just last week, I attempted to introduce Spinners in to my classroom, and our school came within 30 seconds of calling for a school wide lock down. Due to strict educational laws, I cannot share the harrowing details with you, but I can tell you that I had my wife on speed dial, ready to make my final call home. So, when your kid asks you for a Spinner (and I can assure you they will), do your child, yourself, and future America a favor. Don't. Buy them a video game and a bag of Cheetos's instead. The future thanks you!!