I have had it wrong for so many years. Growing up in a religious environment where a premium was placed on performance as a Christian combined with my inherent tendency to disregard the status quo led to a whole world of rebellion and distance from God. This same attitude has permeated much of my existence and has even to this day kept me hanging on to the idea that I will determine my own path, and even my relationship with God could take a backseat to that. Although I have experienced spiritual growth, it has often been tainted by my innate longing to forge my own path. In the past few weeks, an idea began to bludgeon this thought process into a thousand broken pieces. This independence and perceive freedom was an even more extreme form of bondage than surrendering to the will of God ever could be. My innate desire to not be directed, guided, or in any way expected to perform a certain way was only a vicious trap and cycle of bondage and slavery to everything that I longed for with my sinful heart. I have been undergoing a sometimes painful process of realizing that the only surrender I need to commit to is surrendering to God. The amazing thing is that within this surrender, I am now free to rebel against all of the things that I formerly saw as freedom and self-determination. I no longer have to live my life longing for the next time I can pursue those things of the flesh that look like such a wonderful garden, but upon closer inspection only bear tainted and poisoned fruit. I have wallowing in this garden, believing, much like Adam and Eve, that the fruit that I gobbled up greedily only carried a damning poison that ensured my death. What a startling revelation to see God can even utilize my innate desire to pursue my own path to further his kingdom within me. I no longer have to live within the shame and pretense of feasting on the things of this world as an expression of my will and self-determination. My will and self-determination I publicly surrender to Jesus. What a sweet relief to know that the chains that have bound me to my own prideful pursuits have been broken and my sins have been thrown in the deepest sea. I am now free to pursue that things that God has for me, fully and without reservation. I am now free to see exactly where God will take me withing this surrender. I am blessed. I am forgiven. I am loved. I am now free to rebel.
Lord, help me to rebel against the ways of this world. Help me to never go back to that garden of poisoned fruit.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Integrity or Security: A Challenge to Mars Hill
I realize that I may be just one of the multitude of individuals who have weighed in on the current drama surrounding Mars Hill and the embattled Mark Driscoll. I also realize that the one year that my family spent at that church barely gives me "credibility" in the eyes of those defending Pastor Driscoll. I can say, however, that I have spent a few more years than that as a Christian, and although I may engender thoughts about "judging" and "removing the beam from my own eye", I will clarify that my own shortcomings are enough to fill a whole years worth of blogs. I also can safely say that as the head of my own family of four, I am constantly diagnosing what areas I need to grow in, and God is consistently letting me know where my flaws are.(as does my wife:) This is something any leader of any entity should do. A pastor may need to do this even more so. In the Bible there is significant clarity on what traits a pastor needs to possess.
The following are some of those:
Be in submission (Titus 1:6)
Be a good steward (Titus 1:7)
Be humble (Titus 1:7)
Be peaceful (I Timothy 3:3)
Be self-controlled (Titus 1:8)
Be Upright (Titus 1:8)
Be a skilled teacher (Titus 1:9)
Be spiritually mature (1 Timothy 3:6)
Be an example to the flock (1 Peter 5:3)
My challenge is to the pastors at Mars Hill not named Mark Driscoll , to go down this checklist and truly ruminate on whether their current leader exhibits these traits. Yes, I know that answering to the negative on some of these characteristics can really place you in a difficult position. I know that many of you have families, congregations, and careers that hinge on you maneuvering very carefully in this area. You may have to make a decision between Spiritual Integrity and your Security. Yours is not an enviable position. It is however, the position that you have chosen, and hopefully a position a God has blessed you with. Although the severity of the claims may not reach the scale of the abuses of the Catholic church and the turning away that priests did regarding the issue of abuse, your silence can do the same harm to the name of Christ. Silence, whether you think so or not, does indeed imply consent. Your consent comes through in every message you preach, in every accusation you reject as "mud slinging", "personal attacks" or as outsiders judging what they cannot see. Once again, although Driscoll's apparent consolidation of power does not reach the physical level that such despots as Stalin, Hitler, or any other who has abused power by silencing opposition reached, these men were not messengers from God. Driscoll is. If indeed Driscoll has repented, it might behoove some of you to speak on the damage that can be done when leaders do not embody these Biblical characteristics. It might be important that you share some ideas about reconciliation with your eager flocks. It seems that there is strong evidence that this message is not currently evident at Mars Hill. Once again, the question of integrity vs. security comes into play. It may be a question of the faith that has been preached from your pulpits many times in the past 15 years. Do you have faith that your words of admonishment and reprimand will fall on deaf ears, or do you have faith that God can use them to promote change in your Church and with your flock? Do you have faith that were you to speak out, that your head pastor would accept them with grace and understanding, or do you believe that you too will be shunned, pressured and forced to serve God in a different capacity? Mark Driscoll is absolutely responsible for his actions as are you. Will your silence be an affirmation that all is well, and only the world seeks to tear down a man of God? The Bible is full of examples of leaders who chose to take the stand against what was wrong with the leaders that God appointed. Are you one of these leaders? Are you willing to lay your security on the altar of Spiritual Integrity? What an opportunity for you to clearly shout to the world that you follow the one and only True Leader, and that all earthly leaders are subjected to his authority. Once again, I do not envy your positions, but I do greatly envy your potential for leadership in this trying moment. I pray that you will prayerfully consider this list, do a thorough search of the truth in this situation, and choose that path of integrity rather than the path of security. I pray that you will be the leader that God has set you up to be. I pray that if you choose the path of spiritual responsibility that you will reap only blessings in any future endeavors. Please prayerfully consider this. This is your moment of decision. Spiritual Integrity or Security? Never has there been more for you to lose or more for you to gain.
Lovingly and Prayerfully,
Matthew Beeman (MA in Religion)
The following are some of those:
Be in submission (Titus 1:6)
Be a good steward (Titus 1:7)
Be humble (Titus 1:7)
Be peaceful (I Timothy 3:3)
Be self-controlled (Titus 1:8)
Be Upright (Titus 1:8)
Be a skilled teacher (Titus 1:9)
Be spiritually mature (1 Timothy 3:6)
Be an example to the flock (1 Peter 5:3)
My challenge is to the pastors at Mars Hill not named Mark Driscoll , to go down this checklist and truly ruminate on whether their current leader exhibits these traits. Yes, I know that answering to the negative on some of these characteristics can really place you in a difficult position. I know that many of you have families, congregations, and careers that hinge on you maneuvering very carefully in this area. You may have to make a decision between Spiritual Integrity and your Security. Yours is not an enviable position. It is however, the position that you have chosen, and hopefully a position a God has blessed you with. Although the severity of the claims may not reach the scale of the abuses of the Catholic church and the turning away that priests did regarding the issue of abuse, your silence can do the same harm to the name of Christ. Silence, whether you think so or not, does indeed imply consent. Your consent comes through in every message you preach, in every accusation you reject as "mud slinging", "personal attacks" or as outsiders judging what they cannot see. Once again, although Driscoll's apparent consolidation of power does not reach the physical level that such despots as Stalin, Hitler, or any other who has abused power by silencing opposition reached, these men were not messengers from God. Driscoll is. If indeed Driscoll has repented, it might behoove some of you to speak on the damage that can be done when leaders do not embody these Biblical characteristics. It might be important that you share some ideas about reconciliation with your eager flocks. It seems that there is strong evidence that this message is not currently evident at Mars Hill. Once again, the question of integrity vs. security comes into play. It may be a question of the faith that has been preached from your pulpits many times in the past 15 years. Do you have faith that your words of admonishment and reprimand will fall on deaf ears, or do you have faith that God can use them to promote change in your Church and with your flock? Do you have faith that were you to speak out, that your head pastor would accept them with grace and understanding, or do you believe that you too will be shunned, pressured and forced to serve God in a different capacity? Mark Driscoll is absolutely responsible for his actions as are you. Will your silence be an affirmation that all is well, and only the world seeks to tear down a man of God? The Bible is full of examples of leaders who chose to take the stand against what was wrong with the leaders that God appointed. Are you one of these leaders? Are you willing to lay your security on the altar of Spiritual Integrity? What an opportunity for you to clearly shout to the world that you follow the one and only True Leader, and that all earthly leaders are subjected to his authority. Once again, I do not envy your positions, but I do greatly envy your potential for leadership in this trying moment. I pray that you will prayerfully consider this list, do a thorough search of the truth in this situation, and choose that path of integrity rather than the path of security. I pray that you will be the leader that God has set you up to be. I pray that if you choose the path of spiritual responsibility that you will reap only blessings in any future endeavors. Please prayerfully consider this. This is your moment of decision. Spiritual Integrity or Security? Never has there been more for you to lose or more for you to gain.
Lovingly and Prayerfully,
Matthew Beeman (MA in Religion)
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Digging My Own Grave
But oh, don't I know
I'm just digging my own grave
Someone else please save myself from me. -(Thrice- from the song "Digging My Own Grave")
But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which he loved us,
even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ
(by grace you have been saved, and raised up with Him, and seated us with Him in
the heavenly places, in Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 2:4-6)
To many individuals who profess Jesus as their savior, the idea of being raised from the death that is our sins is a very familiar concept. We know that when we asked Jesus to take over our lives, this is what we are asking for. We are certain that he is the one who saved us from ourselves. Why then is it often so difficult to live as if we are "lifted up in the heavenly places". Why does such a life of victory seem to stay on the pages of our Bibles instead of leaping off the pages and invading the very core of who we are?
As God continues to reveal to me what it means to live a life that exhibits being raised from the dead, a mental image appears in my mind. I imagine a mound of earth and a headstone. In it is my still, lifeless body. Jesus reaches through the rain-soaked filth and mud with his nail scarred hand, grabs hold of my own, breathes life into my soul, and pulls me out of the death I am in. He brushes me off, points out the exit to the graveyard and even gives me a guide to make sure I know which way is right. I have been saved from death, but I ask myself, why do I continue to gaze longingly at my grave? I have been saved from the filth of the dirt and from the stench of death.
For me, the stench and filth of death looked like drugs, alcohol, disrespect toward the value of my own life, nights of misery and self-loathing, nights in jail, nights in the hospital, and days of shame and misery as I faced who I truly had become. I was as far from the promised "heavenly places" as I could get.
I once again picture that graveyard and I see myself clambering over the gate, shuffling like some kind of reverse zombie back toward my grave and my death. I see myself sliding into the hole as a small avalanche of dirt follows me down. Handful by sin stained handful, I begin to claw and grab for the dirt and begin covering myself with my pain, misery and sin. As I lay there dying, suffocating myself with my sin, I once again feel the hand of God reaching down toward me, probing through the weight of the dirt and grasping my hand once again.
Although this is a picture of God's grace, it is also a picture of the life that we often lead as Christians. We know we have been saved, we know we have been forgiven, but still we head back toward our graves as we pursue the things that this world lures us with. My sins were steps toward my own grave. My drinking, my drug use, my lying, my stealing, my greed, my anger, my intolerance, my disregard for family---step after step after step. Even to this day, I know that my mind is constantly urging, prodding and pleading with me to take just one more step closer to the grave. My mind still insists that I start grabbing handfuls of soil and begin covering myself in death. My flesh wants me to dig my own grave, over and over again. Are you the same? Are there areas of your life that your flesh is willing to tolerate in what may just be a half-step toward your grave. Are there areas where you flesh gleefully watches you build momentum from a slow shuffle to a brisk walk? Are their even times when you reach out to those around you and attempt to urge them closer to their own graves? Whatever areas you may be justifying, whatever areas you may be fighting, whatever sins you may be suffering under, know that they are all moving you closer to your own grave and your own death. Yes, we know that Jesus has the power to lift us from the grave thousands of times over, but is that the way that we want his grace to impact us?
Be aware of the direction you are moving in. Be aware of your course direction. Understand that God's grace will help you move forward as you begin to lose momentum and as your body begins to turn and face toward your empty grave. Remember that you have victory. Remember that the dirt and stain of your grave no longer clings to you. Remember your Savior. Remember your salvation. Remember the prize of living a life that presses on toward God and away from your grave. Always be aware of which direction you are heading. Live a life where the distance between your grave and your bold, spirit-filled steps is ever widening.
God, please help me to further distance myself from my death and my grave. Help me to be sensitive enough to know when my head is beginning to turn back toward my death. Help me to always press on toward the life that you offer. Breathe your Holy Spirit into me when my feet begin to slow, or when my spirit is drawn back to the grave as it whispers to me. Quiet those voices with the power of your command. Amen
I'm just digging my own grave
Someone else please save myself from me. -(Thrice- from the song "Digging My Own Grave")
But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which he loved us,
even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ
(by grace you have been saved, and raised up with Him, and seated us with Him in
the heavenly places, in Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 2:4-6)
To many individuals who profess Jesus as their savior, the idea of being raised from the death that is our sins is a very familiar concept. We know that when we asked Jesus to take over our lives, this is what we are asking for. We are certain that he is the one who saved us from ourselves. Why then is it often so difficult to live as if we are "lifted up in the heavenly places". Why does such a life of victory seem to stay on the pages of our Bibles instead of leaping off the pages and invading the very core of who we are?
As God continues to reveal to me what it means to live a life that exhibits being raised from the dead, a mental image appears in my mind. I imagine a mound of earth and a headstone. In it is my still, lifeless body. Jesus reaches through the rain-soaked filth and mud with his nail scarred hand, grabs hold of my own, breathes life into my soul, and pulls me out of the death I am in. He brushes me off, points out the exit to the graveyard and even gives me a guide to make sure I know which way is right. I have been saved from death, but I ask myself, why do I continue to gaze longingly at my grave? I have been saved from the filth of the dirt and from the stench of death.
For me, the stench and filth of death looked like drugs, alcohol, disrespect toward the value of my own life, nights of misery and self-loathing, nights in jail, nights in the hospital, and days of shame and misery as I faced who I truly had become. I was as far from the promised "heavenly places" as I could get.
I once again picture that graveyard and I see myself clambering over the gate, shuffling like some kind of reverse zombie back toward my grave and my death. I see myself sliding into the hole as a small avalanche of dirt follows me down. Handful by sin stained handful, I begin to claw and grab for the dirt and begin covering myself with my pain, misery and sin. As I lay there dying, suffocating myself with my sin, I once again feel the hand of God reaching down toward me, probing through the weight of the dirt and grasping my hand once again.
Although this is a picture of God's grace, it is also a picture of the life that we often lead as Christians. We know we have been saved, we know we have been forgiven, but still we head back toward our graves as we pursue the things that this world lures us with. My sins were steps toward my own grave. My drinking, my drug use, my lying, my stealing, my greed, my anger, my intolerance, my disregard for family---step after step after step. Even to this day, I know that my mind is constantly urging, prodding and pleading with me to take just one more step closer to the grave. My mind still insists that I start grabbing handfuls of soil and begin covering myself in death. My flesh wants me to dig my own grave, over and over again. Are you the same? Are there areas of your life that your flesh is willing to tolerate in what may just be a half-step toward your grave. Are there areas where you flesh gleefully watches you build momentum from a slow shuffle to a brisk walk? Are their even times when you reach out to those around you and attempt to urge them closer to their own graves? Whatever areas you may be justifying, whatever areas you may be fighting, whatever sins you may be suffering under, know that they are all moving you closer to your own grave and your own death. Yes, we know that Jesus has the power to lift us from the grave thousands of times over, but is that the way that we want his grace to impact us?
Be aware of the direction you are moving in. Be aware of your course direction. Understand that God's grace will help you move forward as you begin to lose momentum and as your body begins to turn and face toward your empty grave. Remember that you have victory. Remember that the dirt and stain of your grave no longer clings to you. Remember your Savior. Remember your salvation. Remember the prize of living a life that presses on toward God and away from your grave. Always be aware of which direction you are heading. Live a life where the distance between your grave and your bold, spirit-filled steps is ever widening.
God, please help me to further distance myself from my death and my grave. Help me to be sensitive enough to know when my head is beginning to turn back toward my death. Help me to always press on toward the life that you offer. Breathe your Holy Spirit into me when my feet begin to slow, or when my spirit is drawn back to the grave as it whispers to me. Quiet those voices with the power of your command. Amen
Monday, January 27, 2014
In Between Channels
Many times over the past few years I have doubted, wondered and almost given up on the idea of God ever speaking to me. I begin to question if it is even possible. Often times the self-indictment of my own unworthiness and God's lack of interest is where I place the blame for this communication void. I feel like this is such a sad departure from when the absolutely clear voice of Jesus called me away from a life of addiction and excess. Am I still hoping to hear that same voice today? To be honest I am not quite sure. I know for a fact that God is capable, but do I know for a fact that he is willing? This past weekend I attended a "Space for God" retreat where we learned how to practice solitude. As much as the idea of silence stacked upon silence sent fear shooting through me, I felt that it was something that I at least needed to experience. I spent the whole weekend untethered to technology. No texts, no emails, no work emails, no checking the weather, no checking to see if any newsworthy stories were breaking. This "practicing of solitude" is something that I am just learning to do, but I am already seeing a huge area of weakness in my own spiritual walk. If I was Peter walking on water, I most likely would not have heard Jesus because of my the music in my headphones or I might have been looking down at my phone, checking the latest scores. I sometimes feel like one of those old car radio whose knob is stuck between stations. I hear little bits of noise and conversation as they bleed over each other, but there is little or no signal received from the one who offers the greatest words to calm my frenetic soul: "Peace I leave with you." I am coming to realize that it is not that God no longer cares. It is not that I have used up all of his grace. It is not that I only get one chance to hear from God and that I only heard his voice exactly because I was at my darkest moment. The problem is that my ear is tuned to too many stations at once. It is not that God does not choose to speak to me, it is that all of the other voices are joining together to drown him out.
Although my thoughts and plans to change this are still in their infancy, I have already felt a change in my level of openness to God's voice. Something compels me to believe that I am not the only one who is experiencing an increase in voices competing for attention while the only voice that truly matters is lost in this flood of noise. Maybe you too could spend a few days in deliberate solitude. Don't check your email, turn off your phone, say "No" a few times, try a day or two without checking the mail. See if the pace of your life slows down and see if the pace of incoming information slows down as well. Maybe you will begin to hear the voice of God break through, or maybe you will just find yourself able to prepare your heart and soul to better meet with him. I know that my own longing is that I become like the psalmist in Psalm 132:2 who asks God to "compose and quiet my soul; like a weaned child rests against his mother'. My prayer is that you long for this as well.
"Lord, help me to seek quiet in my life so that I can hear you voice guide me."
Although my thoughts and plans to change this are still in their infancy, I have already felt a change in my level of openness to God's voice. Something compels me to believe that I am not the only one who is experiencing an increase in voices competing for attention while the only voice that truly matters is lost in this flood of noise. Maybe you too could spend a few days in deliberate solitude. Don't check your email, turn off your phone, say "No" a few times, try a day or two without checking the mail. See if the pace of your life slows down and see if the pace of incoming information slows down as well. Maybe you will begin to hear the voice of God break through, or maybe you will just find yourself able to prepare your heart and soul to better meet with him. I know that my own longing is that I become like the psalmist in Psalm 132:2 who asks God to "compose and quiet my soul; like a weaned child rests against his mother'. My prayer is that you long for this as well.
"Lord, help me to seek quiet in my life so that I can hear you voice guide me."
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Hand Wrestling with God
I have always had much confusion and difficulty around the idea of placing my life in God's hands. Not necessarily as far as my salvation goes as I am certainly aware of my need in that area, but when it comes to giving Him control of my life I have done a pretty inept job. Where I am not comfortable is that not only is God my savior, he is also supposed to be my guide. Whoa there! Hold your horses! You mean I am supposed to actually rely on someone else to guide me through life? Fat chance! It feels as if since the day that God brought me back from the brink of death and since I placed my life in his hands I have been prying at his fingers, trying to get enough of a purchase to pull it back. Each time I have an opportunity to make a decision I grab a little more. Where do I go next in life? A little tug. Where do I look for work? I tug a little harder. How do I prioritize my time and resources? A giant, soul wrenching tug. As I look back at the nature of my grasping for control over the course of my Christian walk I begin to wonder why would I ever try to wrest back control of a ship that was so clearly headed for destruction and doom without Christ at the helm. Why would I do something so counter intuitive? Do I think I can do a better job than him? As I reflect on this I feel that there are several different factors that cause that cause me to function this way. 1) I typically seek to control every aspect of my own life 2) my faith is not great enough to think that I will ever hear from God 3) somewhere deep inside I feel that God is really not all that interested in me.
As I mull these different factors over in my mind I can think of dozens of reasons why each of them has had a debilitating effect on my relationship with God. The one thread that seems to run through them, however, has very little to do with God and far more to do with me. My own spiritual doubts about myself, my worthiness and having to earn the acceptance of God cloud my judgment to the point that I feel that I am the only one who needs to be in charge. None of the blame lies with God. All of the doubts that make me lord of my own life find fertile soil in my own mind and soul and fly in the face of the truth about the true Lord. As I go through the list of reasons why I choose to guide my own ship, the blinders fall off and the truth begins to emerge. 3) It is absolutely clear that God is interested in me. It is not in the nature of God to be disinterested in one who he loves as he does his own son. 2) It is not in the nature of God to wait until my jar of faith is full enough that he then feel that he is justified to act on my behalf. God is always there and ready to act, ready to guide my steps. 1) There are countless reminders in the Bible that the Good Shepherd is there to lead us. There are numerous prayers about receiving guidance from God given as examples for us. This fight of mine against giving over control of my life to God is only a one side affair. The only obstacle to this lies in my own mind and in my own lack of surrender. God has promised to lead and guide me, why would I in any way feel I can do anything good with any of the choices that I make? The reality is that I never have made the right choices, and that apart from him I never will.
"Lord, help me to allow you to guide my steps. Help me to overcome any thoughts that I am even capable of living apart from you."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)