The Trauma of Uncertainty and Why God Matters

 

 

In my 15 year career as a Special Education Teacher, the language and philosophy surrounding trauma has progressed from sweeping it under the rug, to developing extensive and thorough curriculum to help individuals overcome trauma. There are many things that bring trauma into lives (abuse in its many forms, incarceration, extreme poverty,etc…) and these are often easy to identify. There are also thousands of well intentioned, productive educational works that address these issues.  As redundancy is not my intention, we will leave those issues to other experts. In my years of teaching students who often have multiple areas of trauma impact, the negative impact of trauma is stark and impossible to ignore. These more noticeable forms of trauma, are not the sum of all the types of trauma that exist. An area of trauma that might often go unnoticed in educational circles is the trauma of uncertainty. This uncertainty is not about whether your team is going to win its next game, if your spouse likes your new haircut, or if you need a raincoat tomorrow or not. 

 

This trauma is unique in that it is not focused on childhood, but instead has a negative impact across the age spectrum. Things like simmering anger, meal uncertainty, family strife, and to some, whether you are liked by others or not are all part of this trauma of uncertainty. There are very few times in the history of our country where this uncertainty has had a more deleterious impact. The political divisions in our country, the Coronavirus and the varied responses to it, the financial impact of these restrictions, and the tension that is brought to relationships through all of these are contributors to this trauma of uncertainty.

 

Are we getting another stimulus check? Will this family disagreement over how to handle a virus end? Will the news ever be uplifting? Will we be forced to endure another Presidential debate? How will my kids staying at home impact their long term learning? If I have to spend another day at home with my kids will they even survive to learn another day?

 

These and many other uncertainties swirl around in our heads on a constant spin cycle, and in one of life’s greatest ironies, all our efforts to dispel these uncertainties through constant worry have the opposite effect. We continue to swish and swirl in this cauldron of uncertainty, never drawing any closer to a peaceful, uninvaded mind.

 

I wish that my experience was that the onset of Covid-19 is when the trauma of uncertainty began to build to a crescendo in my brain, but I must admit that I have been perfecting this dance with uncertainty long before this virus was even in a test tube.

 

Marriage difficulties, feelings of insecurity, struggles with addiction and (insert problem here) have created a very defensive trauma response in me. (I think I hear my wife nodding her head in an emphatic manner right now). It is within this chaos of uncertainty that a person can become disengaged from the world around them. This is not how we were created to interact with the world and people around us.

 

Although I am still in the process of recovery from this uncertainty trauma, I can say with absolute confidence that without inviting God into an active role in your life, the spin cycle will continue. It is human nature (and a very strong inclination for me) to presume that all of our striving and planning will give us some measure of control over our uncertainty. “If I plan good enough, I can expect xyz results.”  Ephesians 4:17 would beg to differ with us.

 

"17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking."

 

The only eventuality is more trauma when we continue in our uncertainty, seeking to implement our own gameplan. As we see the world around us engage in this we can only be reminded of our inability to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. We either give in to the futility of our existence apart from God, or we surrender our plans and submit ourselves to the only true source that can heal us from this trauma.

 

I feel much like a teacher who is only one lesson ahead of the class on this, as my journey in surrenderer is just beginning, but I can tell you that 40+ years of battling uncertainty through my own willpower was an abject failure.

 

Trust God.

 

Give your fears and uncertainty to Him.

 

He will give  tangible proof that he is real, that he can heal you, and that His desire is for you to live in the peace and promise of His will.

 

Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.”

It Starts with Spinners

As is typical, those of us in the education profession are ahead of the curve on the latest fads that promise the eventual destruction of our progeny. I usually bide my time and hold my tongue when such calamitous events peek over the horizon. I can hold my tongue no longer. You may be asking yourself what has driven this teacher to break away from watching a riveting Mets baseball game to defend our society from doom. I boldly answer..Spinners.  Those little multi colored gadgets that have invaded the classrooms of America with their false promise are nothing but a society crumbling drip.  "It will help our kids be more calm", people say.  I fiercely object.  Try getting a child ready for one of their many standardized tests, which have the potential of deciding their value as a human being while dozens of brightly colored objects whir through the air in the classroom. Imagine then if you threw several brightly lit spinners into the mix. We in the education profession have reduced recess time for a reason!  We do not need more physical activity, we need less.  Have you seen recess time at your local elementary school?  Pure, uncontrolled chaos.  How can our children learn the absolutely reasonable methods of Common Core Math when their minds are focused on who can spin their spinner the longest? They can't. Do you want your child to fall farther behind the rest of the world? Give them a spinner. While I have clearly established that the cart to hell has Spinners for wheels, this is not the biggest issue I have with Spinners.  In a world where equality is a societal focal point, I cannot imagine a more deliberate way to separate the haves from the have nots. Some families just cannot afford to shell out 10 dollars for a worthless gadget. How is little Johnny supposed to feel when he is surrounded by the muffled sounds of whirring Spinners while he anxiously taps his  eraser less pencil repeatedly on the desk? Add to that the brightly colored, and God forbid, flashing lights of his classmates Spinners and Johnny needs a trip to the school counselor. Just last week, I attempted to introduce Spinners in to my classroom, and our school came within 30 seconds of calling for a school wide lock down. Due to strict educational laws, I cannot share the harrowing details with you, but I can tell you that I had my wife on speed dial, ready to make my final call home. So, when your kid asks you for a Spinner (and I can assure you they will), do your child, yourself, and future America a favor. Don't. Buy them a video game and a bag of Cheetos's instead. The future thanks you!!

Permission to Sin?

As I read through Judges 14 this morning, I expected that familiar story of Samson killing the lion with his bare hands and then going back to the carcass and scooping out a handful of honey, thereby defying his Nazarite vow. He then shared the honey with his parents, in what seems to be an attempt by Samson to spread the guilt evenly throughout his whole family.  Although their are numerous lessons about temptation and choices in this passage, one area of the passage really confused me.  We see in the beginning that Samson sees a woman and has to have her. (this is a familiar theme with Samson, so no shocker there)  What really confused me was that Samson is jonesing over this girl, his parents are dead set against it, but the Lord actually wants Samson to pursue this girl. Now, being joined with another culture is a big no no throughout the Old Testament, so much so that at times God commanded the Israelites to wipe out all the people who were not of Israel. Now we see that God is planning on Samson joining with a Philistine woman, and even mentioned that Samson's parents who were attempting to keep him on the right track were unaware of God's actual plan. This set off warning bells, klaxons, and strobe lights in my mind. Did God really want Samson to go against all that was right for him?  While I cannot be sure of God's intentions through my own finite thought process, I can refer to Scripture to help me decipher something that seems contrary to the nature of God.  The passage states very clearly that God was trying to set up an "occasion" with the Philistines.  The Israelites had been under the Philistine thumb for too long, and God was fed up with it. Does that mean that God actually condoned Samson breaking with Israelite law and tradition?  As I digest the story even more, I begin to see parallels between our modern day and the day of Samson. God knew every intimate part of Samson, and new his areas of weakness, just as God knows ours.  God did not need to nudge Samson in a direction that Samson's fallen nature was already taking him. In reality, all of the tragedy and triumph of the story of Samson would not have happened had Samson actually been 100% obedient. In reality, there is no Scripture that says, "determine if your particular sin furthers the kingdom of God before entering therein". (I apologize for the pretentious use of therein, I just don;t get many opportunities to pull that out of the bag)  The bottom line for Samson and for us it that God knows our predilection to certain types of sin. Him being all knowing, and having the most profound understanding of human nature means that he able to handle our weaknesses and turn them into strengths, or at least moments of impact. He is not surprised or shocked when we do the same thing we have always done, but he is saddened when we turn our backs on Him and pursue our own path. So, in summation, no, we do not have permission to sin. But we will.  There are no such things as "sanctioned" sins, no matter how much justifying we as humans do.  There is however, a God who has a plan for us which contains full disclosure regarding our fallen nature.

If you have any insights of comments about this issue, please post on FB, so we can discuss.  I am still not sure if I have my head wrapped around this one.

The Two Words Guaranteed to Destroy any Relationship

Often times, following closely upon the heels of "I do" are the deadly words, "I deserve".  It permeates every aspect of our lives, and can be perpetual fertilizer for our resentment and anger.  In fact, the very beginning of sin, as it is recorded in the Bible comes from those very 2 words.  Satan thought, "I deserve", as he sought to take what he thought to be his rightful place in Heaven's hierarchy.  Eve was tempted by the deceit of these words as she sought to fill the void of "I deserve" while she bit into the fruit that she felt was withheld from her by a stingy God. As I look back on all of the vast number of incidents in my life where anger and resentment have grabbed the steering wheel and directed me into oncoming traffic, all of them found their root in the words "I deserve".  These words have become the very foundation of our American mindset as each individual seeks to grasp and claw for what they "deserve".  "I deserve to have a wife who supports me no matter what."  "I deserve to have kids that listen to me and heed my every command." "I deserve to have a boss who appreciates the work that I do." " I deserve to have a fair and just reward for my efforts." "I deserve, I deserve, I deserve." "I deserve to have horrible drivers not obliviously cut me off."  This concept of getting what we deserve slowly undermines every aspect of our lives as it pertains to anger and resentment.  During the past month, an amazing Biblical lesson was taught to me as I listened to the story of Abram as he stood in front of a vast, beautiful grazing range that by every law and right he deserved.  To his left stood his somewhat sketchy nephew, Lot.  Lot had made very few good choices to this point in his life, and what he truly deserved was the leftovers that Abram did not want. Abram, in an act contrary to what most people would find even reasonable, gave Lot the first choice of the land.  Of course, Lot chose all of the best for himself.  I have no doubt that Abram knew exactly what choice Lot would make, but Abram chose to eliminate "I deserve" from his vocabulary and thereby received an even greater blessing from God.  If I break it down even further in to what we truly deserve, there are countless verses in the Bible that tell us that what we truly deserve is spiritual and physical death. God, in his infinite grace, and in his wisdom (although I often wonder how wise it is that he chose me as His reclamation project), sent His Son to die for us.  The one person who actually could have said "I deserve" and actually been worthy of that sentiment. It goes against every lesson from human psychology to not spend our lives carving out what we deserve.  It goes against every urge we have when we disagree with our wives, husbands, coworkers, tax man, neighbors and kids. I still have a long journey ahead of me to erase these devastating words from my mindset and vocabulary, and I can bet that most of you who are reading this have some inroads to make in this area as well.  It is human nature and the whole course of human existence that we are battling against.  Although the battle will be fierce, we have assurance that God is on our side, and he has brought us beyond what we deserve, to a place where His Son frees us from those words.  The next time you get into an argument, get cut off in traffic, have a rough time with your boss, or have your kids do the exact opposite of what you desire, think the following thought.  In fact, picture the following scene.  Jesus, weeping blood in the Garden of Gethsemane, prays to his Father in Heaven if there is any way he can avoid bearing what we deserve on the cross.  He then surrenders His "I deserve" to the saving plan that his Father has in place.  Is your "I deserve" able to trump that?  If not, surrender the idea of what you deserve to the plan for peace that our Heavenly Father has for us.  I am betting some of you are even cringing as I paint a picture of a world where you have no rights and you rely on the whims of those around you. I cringe too.  But not as much as Jesus must have cringed when the nails pierced his hands, or when the soldier pierced his side or mocked him with cries of "save yourself".  He did not deserve that. We did.  Don't fall for the trap of rights and "I deserve".  Lead through your surrender to Jesus and his saving work on the cross. He will provide for all your needs. And that is far more than any of us deserve.

The God Who Sees Me (how the gospel works)

Have you ever had that feeling that someone is following you?  Often times people who have experienced trauma are set off by the sound of echoing footsteps in the subway tunnel, a snapping branch in the twilight woods, or by a small gesture or noise that brings their trauma rushing back to them.  Our church service this morning was about  just such a story of trauma.  A woman who was taken as a slave from her homeland was mistreated by her master, taken by force by her master's husband and found to be with child.  Sarai, her master greatly resented this pregnancy and began severely mistreating and abusing her.  In desperation, Hagar ran from her only home to an unknown and most likely fearsome destination.  Hagar had no destination in mind,except for one that did not include Sarai and Abram. Although I cannot imagine her pain, there was a time in my life when I was running as well. Maybe the trauma was not as severe, but the destination was just as vague and bleak.  In a perfect example of God's pursuing love, and of the absolute grace that he extended when I did nothing to reach out to Him, he saw me and saved me.  The same happened to Hagar.  God actually showed up to her, asked her to step out in faith by following Him into a path that was clearer, although not one that would be free from trials. Here we have a woman whom society would have shunned, who had absolutely no place to go, and had absolutely no connection to God.  She ran exactly because she lacked that connection.  God saw her though.  God saw her hurt, and her mistreatment and saw that her future was bleak at best.  He reached out to her, cut through her own anger and fear, promised her a future that would be secure, and most importantly, made it clear that He saw her.  Her pain was not hidden.  Her fear was not disguised.  This same God is still pursuing us. In fact, the whole of His story throughout the Bible is that God pursues us. He sees us.  Not just in the "don't do anything wrong, God is watching" sense, but in the "everything may be going wrong, but God is watching"sense. He was watching a scared, lonely, single mother who had nowhere to go and no plan when she reached there.  He is watching you as well. Your pain, your anger at others, your anger at God, the heights and depths of your addiction, the hidden areas where no one else has even a glimpse of your hurt.  He sees it and feels it and will pursue you and wants nothing more than to take that feeling upon himself.  He did that for us on the cross.  It is just up to you to respond to the God Who Sees You.

The Transforming Power of Tribulation

Paul is an amazing story.  We have a guy who was on the Jewish all star team.  He was pretty much the best, the brightest, the most dedicated follower of their religious practices.  He was so dedicated that he could not even stand the thought of another system of beliefs competing with his own.  He was religiously intolerant long before it was the standard societal trend.  It was only through a miraculous intervention from God that Paul was able to see that he was only "kicking against sharp sticks" in his persecution of the followers of Jesus. Paul's tribulation, although the blindness only lasted three days, propelled him into taking an action which he would have never contemplated during all of his prayers, during all of the trials in which he sought the destruction of the followers of Jesus, or during the time when he gave consent to see Steven put to death.  Paul ends up seeking out a follower of Jesus in order to receive healing. This choice indicates a complete paradigm shift from any thoughts or actions Paul would have engaged in prior to his God-inspired tribulation.
As the story of Paul continues, he find himself in a situation where he has been imprisoned and is about to embark on a nautical journey to face his ultimate judgement in Rome.  He was on board with 276 guards and prisoners.  During the voyage, after finding a safe harbor, Paul actually tells the crew of the ship that the voyage that they are own is going to be a disastrous one.  He is ignored by the centurion and the ship sets sail.  So begins their exposure to the relentless transformative nature of supernatural tribulation.  The ship sets out with a gentle wind, but then a "wind of hurricane force" begins to wreak havoc on their plans.  The men have thrown most of their goods overboard, saving only the food, which has almost run out.  Although "I told you so", would not necessarily be the most congenial response as the ship drifts aimlessly and the food supplies dwindle, Paul chooses these words to remind these men of the God that he serves.  He sends them an interesting message in that he promises them that all of the men would survive the voyage, but adds a "by the way, we are going to run aground on an island"at the end of this statement.  One can only surmise that these men had already begun to suspect that Paul was the real deal, and that they were in the midst of a tribulation that could might indeed be connected to the God that Paul was talking about.  We see the ship again, 14 nights into the voyage.  It is still floundering.  A group of men began to lower the lifeboat into the water, attempting to escape what they must have expected to be their floating coffin.  It is a plausible assumption that these men were not altogether convinced that Paul had any particular insights and that they instead wanted to explore other means of survival on their own. Even in the midst of this tribulation, we see how it impacted people differently.  There was obviously a group of men who saw truth in what Paul was saying, and Paul convinced them to cut the lifeboat loose. Paul had cautioned them that they would not survive if they took to the lifeboats.  We can see the transformation taking place in some of the men, but still the men were in the midst of a dire situation.
These men were starving.  They had been rationing food for 14 days, and one can only imagine that the prisoners were receiving a smaller ration than the soldiers.  It is at this point that the proof of transformation is exhibited throughout the whole company.  At dawn, Paul tells them that he knows that they have eaten very little during the past two weeks and that they should now eat as much as they can and throw the rest into the sea. This is quite a request for a prisoner to make.  Yet, we read in Acts 27:38 that they threw the rest of the grain into the sea.  These men who had no patience to listen to a previous warning from Paul had now started the countdown clock to their death sentence with this one act.  Unless, of course, the transformative nature of their tribulation had served God's purpose and they had belief in Paul. As the ship strikes a sandbar that same day, a choice has to be made, which will test whether the transformation had actually taken hold.  If any of the prisoners escaped, then the soldiers who were responsible for guarding them would be put to death.  A simple solution presented to the soldiers was to kill all of the prisoners. The centurion wanted to spare the life of Paul, so he and his men risked their very existence to allow Paul and the other prisoners to stay alive.  They had now tied their fortunes to the very man who they had ignored before all of their trouble had begun.
That is how transformation works.  It is a complete turnabout.  You are headed in one direction, something happens that makes going in that direction less palatable, you are inspired to switch direction.  Simple formula.  Except for the fact that apart from God and his intervention, we are just like the soldiers sitting safely in port thinking, "whatever, God.....I have this under control". We are unaware of just how precarious our situation really is.  It is only the most gracious gift from God that often comes in the form of tribulation which gives us the reflective capacity for change.  I don't know if these men were converted to Christ.  I do know that some of them actually mistook Paul for a god, so it is likely that they missed the point of this experience all together.  They have plenty of company on that one.  I do not know what kind of tribulation you may be undergoing.  I do not know if all of your life resembles a glassy calm sea, but I do know that tribulations will come. I do know that they will either prompt you to change, or they will further cast you onto a sea of doubt.  Make the conscious choice to search out the will of God.  Make an effort to be sensitive to God as he redirects your faulty steps.  Align yourself with his will as presented in Scripture, and most of all, when you feel the beginnings of earthly trials and tribulations, ask yourself a few clarifying questions.  What might God be telling me?  Am I in his will?  Are there decisions and choices that I need to rethink? Above all else, in midst of any tribulations, rejoice in the the fact that the Lord loves you enough to be concerned about the path you are on, even if it means blinding you, shipwrecking you, taking away your job, your health, your security, or any other flotsam that you may be clinging to.  Seek his will. Expect his direction.  Pray for guidance.

The Surrender that Leads to Rebellion

I have had it wrong for so many years.  Growing up in a religious environment where a premium was placed on performance as a Christian combined with my inherent tendency to disregard the status quo led to a whole world of rebellion and distance from God.  This same attitude has permeated much of my existence and has even to this day kept me hanging on to the idea that I will determine my own path, and even my relationship with God could take a backseat to that.  Although I have experienced spiritual growth, it has often been tainted by my innate longing to forge my own path.  In the past few weeks, an idea began to bludgeon this thought process into a thousand broken pieces.  This independence and perceive freedom was an even more extreme form of bondage than surrendering to the will of God ever could be.  My innate desire to not be directed, guided, or in any way expected to perform a certain way was only a vicious trap and cycle of bondage and slavery to everything that I longed for with my sinful heart.  I have been undergoing a sometimes painful process of realizing that the only surrender I need to commit to is surrendering to God.  The amazing thing is that within this surrender, I am now free to rebel against all of the things that I formerly saw as freedom and self-determination.  I no longer have to live my life longing for the next time I can pursue those things of the flesh that look like such a wonderful garden, but upon closer inspection only bear tainted and poisoned fruit.  I have wallowing in this garden, believing, much like Adam and Eve, that the fruit that I gobbled up greedily only carried a damning poison that ensured my death.  What a startling revelation to see God can even utilize my innate desire to pursue my own path to further his kingdom within me.  I no longer have to live within the shame and pretense of feasting on the things of this world as an expression of my will and self-determination.  My will and self-determination I publicly surrender to Jesus.  What a sweet relief to know that the chains that have bound me to my own prideful pursuits have been broken and my sins have been thrown in the deepest sea.  I am now free to pursue that things that God has for me, fully and without reservation. I am now free to see exactly where God will take me withing this surrender.  I am blessed.  I am forgiven. I am loved. I am now free to rebel.

 Lord, help me to rebel against the ways of this world. Help me to never go back to that garden of poisoned fruit.