In Between Channels

Many times over the past few years I have doubted, wondered and almost given up on the idea of God ever speaking to me. I begin to question if it is even possible. Often times the self-indictment of my own unworthiness and God's lack of interest is where I place the blame for this communication void.  I feel like this is such a sad departure from when the absolutely clear voice of Jesus called me away from a life of addiction and excess.  Am I still hoping to hear that same voice today? To be honest I am not quite sure.  I know for a fact that God is capable, but do I know for a fact that he is willing?  This past weekend I attended a "Space for God" retreat where we learned how to practice solitude.  As much as the idea of silence stacked upon silence sent fear shooting through me, I felt that it was something that I at least needed to experience.  I spent the whole weekend untethered to technology.  No texts, no emails, no work emails, no checking the weather, no checking to see if any newsworthy stories were breaking. This "practicing of solitude" is something that I am just learning to do, but I am already seeing a huge area of weakness in my own spiritual walk.  If I was Peter walking on water, I most likely would not have heard Jesus because of my the music in my headphones or I might have been looking down at my phone, checking the latest scores.  I sometimes feel like one of those old car radio whose knob is stuck between stations. I hear little bits of noise and conversation as they bleed over each other, but there is little or no signal received from the one who offers the greatest words to calm my frenetic soul: "Peace I leave with you."  I am coming to realize that it is not that God no longer cares.  It is not that I have used up all of his grace.  It is not that I only get one chance to hear from God and that I only heard his voice exactly because I was at my darkest moment.  The problem is that my ear is tuned to too many stations at once.  It is not that God does not choose to speak to me, it is that all of the other voices are joining together to drown him out.
Although my thoughts and plans to change this are still in their infancy, I have already felt a change in my level of openness to God's voice.  Something compels me to believe that I am not the only one who is experiencing an increase in voices competing for attention while the only voice that truly matters is lost in this flood of noise.  Maybe you too could spend a few days in deliberate solitude.  Don't check your email, turn off your phone, say "No" a few times, try a day or two without checking the mail. See if the pace of your life slows down and see if the pace of incoming information slows down as well.  Maybe you will begin to hear the voice of God break through, or maybe you will just find yourself able to prepare your heart and soul to better meet with him.  I know that my own longing is that I become like the psalmist in Psalm 132:2 who asks God to "compose and quiet my soul; like a weaned child rests against his mother'.  My prayer is that you long for this as well.
"Lord, help me to seek quiet in my life so that I can hear you voice guide me."

Hand Wrestling with God

I have always had much confusion and difficulty around the idea of placing my life in God's hands.  Not necessarily as far as my salvation goes as I am certainly aware of my need in that area, but when it comes to giving Him control of my life I have done a pretty inept job.  Where I am not comfortable is that not only is God my savior, he is also supposed to be my guide.  Whoa there!  Hold your horses! You mean I am supposed to actually rely on someone else to guide me through life? Fat chance!  It feels as if since the day that God brought me back from the brink of death and since I placed my life in his hands I have been prying at his fingers, trying to get enough of a purchase to pull it back.  Each time I have an opportunity to make a decision I grab a little more.  Where do I go next in life? A little tug.  Where do I look for work? I tug a little harder.  How do I prioritize my time and resources?  A giant, soul wrenching tug.  As I look back at the nature of my grasping for control over the course of my Christian walk I begin to wonder why would I ever try to wrest back control of a ship that was so clearly headed for destruction and doom without Christ at the helm.  Why would I do something so counter intuitive?  Do I think I can do a better job than him?  As I reflect on this I feel that there are several different factors that cause that cause me to function this way. 1) I typically seek to control every aspect of my own life 2) my faith is not great enough to think that I will ever hear from God 3) somewhere deep inside I feel that God is really not all that interested in me.
 As I mull these different factors over in my mind I can think of dozens of reasons why each of them has had a debilitating effect on my relationship with God.  The one thread that seems to run through them, however, has very little to do with God and far more to do with me.  My own spiritual doubts about myself, my worthiness and having to earn the acceptance of God cloud my judgment to the point that I feel that I am the only one who needs to be in charge.  None of the blame lies with God.  All of the doubts that make me lord of my own life find fertile soil in my own mind and soul and fly  in the face of the truth about the true Lord.  As I go through the list of reasons why I choose to guide my own ship, the blinders fall off and the truth begins to emerge. 3)  It is absolutely clear that God is interested in me.  It is not in the nature of God to be disinterested in one who he loves as he does his own son. 2) It is not in the nature of God to wait until my jar of faith is full enough that he then feel that he is justified to act on my behalf.  God is always there and ready to act, ready to guide my steps. 1) There are countless reminders in the Bible that the Good Shepherd is there to lead us.  There are numerous prayers about receiving guidance from God given as examples for us.  This fight of mine against giving over control of my life to God is only a one side affair.  The only obstacle to this lies in my own mind and in my own lack of surrender.  God has promised to lead and guide me, why would I in any way feel I can do anything good with any of the choices that I make?  The reality is that I never have made the right choices, and that apart from him I never will.
"Lord, help me to allow you to guide my steps. Help me to overcome any thoughts that I am even capable of living apart from you."