Hand over the Gun

" Jim gently caressed the trigger of his _____________ as those who knew him well dove for cover and those who did not know him at all were about to receive a rude introduction". Imagine any sort of weapon with a firing mechanism inserted into this blank (pistol, rifle, shotgun etc..) and it is easy to picture a scene of stark terror and impending tragedy. Some may picture mortal wounds, some may picture wounds that are survived but debilitating, while still others may think of the emotional scarring that would certainly follow such a brutal attack. We would be hard pressed to find anyone who could justify such an attack. Now, try to insert a different word into the blank. How about we try the word anger? The Bible makes it very clear to us that the tongue is a dangerous weapon. It is most often hurtful when it is employed in anger. How is our anger typically manifest? Through the use of a harsh tongue. While it is very unlikely that any of us will ever place individuals in danger by inserting a weapon in the blank, it is a distinct possiblity that our name and the word anger are a much more likely fit.
As devastating as any tragedy may be, I would even theorize that the effects of anger can even be much harder to recover from for the surviving persons as it often takes place over a prolonged period of time and has a tendency to shift causality to the victim. ie. "he or she is angry at me so often, I must have done something wrong". I know a little bit about anger. I can envision my siblings and I hitting the floor on many occasions knowing that a parent had an itchy trigger finger and a full clip. This is something that is not necessarily an exception when it comes to child raising, but when it becomes the rule then it is far more likely to become a problem. When I look back at my early life I recall the sting of anger as it wove its way into the very thread of my makeup as a human being. This umbrella of anger often leads to one of two extremes. It can lead to an increased conformity to make certain that whatever caused the trigger to be pulled will not happen again. (bad grade, detention, missed curfew) The second extreme is a dogged and persistent non conformity. "Can't do it right, won't even try". I feel like this is the catch all for victims of anger as it early on becomes apparent that not enough can be done right to take the weapon of anger out of someone else's hands. I did very little dabbling in the area of conformity as my way of dealing with the anger around me. I went straight to the non conformity. I was going to outduel this anger with cynicism and a perceived indifference. As the years passed, however, the true nature of these charactistics was revealed. "A rose is a rose" and 'anger is anger". I can still to this day be accused of "gently fingering the trigger of my own anger" all too frequently. I often tell my wife that I am not "mad" I am just frustrated. I guess I would rather come off as the victim than the perpetrator and frustration is more a victim thing than being mad. ie.. I am frustrated because I lost my wallet..implies that circumstances are beyond my control. "I am mad because I lost my wallet"..implies a conscious choice to use anger as a coping tool. As I think about it now, anger and frustration are merely a game of semanitics that in no way lessen the likelihood of my family hitting the deck when they see my trigger finger tense up. All I know is that I do not want this blight to continue in my family. I do not want my children to glance nervously around the house before I come home to make sure everything is in place. I do not want my wife to try to guess what I am thinking in order to lessen the likelihood that I will place her in my crosshairs. Most of all I do not want to mortgage my spiritual leadership for the sake of my own selfish desire to espress my displeasure at things around me. I know the debilitating effects that this can have on the spiritual growth of those around you, and I refuse, in the name of Jesus, to be the stumbling block for any. Sure, I will fail at times. It is a certainty. What is not a certainly is that I accept that failure as the status quo. I can accept that my home is a "weapon-free" zone. I can accept that my children and life will long to see me when I have been away, not afraid of what I will find when I return. I can accept that my children's only thoughts about my coming home is that they are ready to climb all over me, regardless if my day was bad or good. As my children age I want them to see less and less of this anger, and more and more of the love that we are commanded to show. I know it is not something that will be easy, but worthwhile things rarely are. I know I will not be perfect, but human being rarely are. I know that God will be there to guide me, and that He always is. I want to ease my finger off the trigger, unbuckle the gun belt and gently hand it over to the loving arms of the One who has shown us such patience and grace that to mirror Him is my lifelong goal and prize. Anger does not reflect well in His mirror, so it is time for it to go. 'Lord, I pray that you will forgive me for being angry, no excuses offered. I realize the root of anger is self pity, and there is no place for that in one of your children. Thank you that I do not have to hit the deck when I come into Your presence, but I can do so bodly. Help my children and wife to be bold in my presence as well, as I display charactersitics that would welcome them to me. Thank you for your promises and your ability and faithfulness in keeping them. Amen