I can often picture the prodigal son upon his return home feeling deep shame and sadness at the choices he had made, and even having a feeling as simple as embarassment. Although many moments in my life have been accompanied by these emotions, one time really stands out to me. Several years back I was really struggling with my faith (as in not really having any), and was leading a lifestyle that the young son in the Prodigal Son story led. I was living and eating with the swine, and I was quickly losing my life and my faith.
I had placed myself in a situation where my family was looking for me around town because they were concerned with all the bad choices I was making. I was mad at them for looking, and sad that I was in this position. I was headed into a liquor store to continue the "squandering" and I looked up and saw my Dad standing there. I was immediately angry and hurtful and I told him to just leave me alone, and quit caring about me. The look in his eyes breaks my heart to this day. I could even see that he was not full of condemnation, but only love. I chose to reject his love on that day. The shame and embarassment at my choices hindered my ability to reconcile with my earthly father.
How many times do our choices that we make interfere with our reconciliation to our Heavenly Father? Embarassed? Ashamed? Lost? He stands there, reaching out to us, no thoughts of how dirty, unlovely, and shamefaced we are. He reaches out his glory filled hands and brushes off a little dirt and grabs hold of us and says "You are my son, and I only see what good you can be". Keep this in mind when you feel things slipping away, or when you just aren't good enough, or when life comes at you with trials and tests. We are his children, and He loves us just as much dirty as He does clean. His love for us never changes, but our responses to His love should always bring us closer to Him. Thank you Lord for the feast of reconciliation you keep placing before me.
4 comments:
this brings me back to the oh so rebelious days (still you may say?) of my early teenagehood when my father was secretly listening to a conversation i was having on the phone. he suddenly did not approve of this conversation, and barked on the phone for me to hang up immediately. i was of course a fuming teenager, thinking that my dad only hated me. so when he came bursting in my room in his bath robe i threw him the evilest look i could muster. and to my SHOCK, he began doing something i have only seen him do twice. he began to cry. i was thrown for a loop, and softened. he was saying, 'what happened to my little girl? what did i do wrong as a father? you used to be so sweet!'
what i didn't say, was that years before this incident, i began to feel as though my father had stopped loving me. we rarely talked, or hugged, or went to get dougnuts together (something we did on sundays when i was young). he didn't seem interested, and he always seemed upset. so i thought he didn't love me. until this moment, me on the floor having just glared at him - and he in his bath robe with sudden puffy red eyes and sad pleading at me with such questions.
i surely thought he was going to tell me how terrible i was, what a bad kid i was... i never dreamed he would say such a thing with tears in his eyes as, '...what did i do wrong...'
i love you dad. and i love your dad. and i love you husband.
I remember the moment you are writing about. I was with dad...I was in the car...I saw you before he did and was calling out the window to tell him you were there and he saw you at that same moment. It was like time stopped for him. He was pretty broken when he got back in the car. We were both pretty broken. I can't drive by that liqour store without remembering. But now it serves as a reminder of how far you have come and it doesn't fill me with the same dread it once did.
I feel your redemption in my spirit and it loosens the mother pain I have carried from that dark time.
Go online to BibleGateway.com and pull up Isaiah 61 in the Amplified Bible. Seeing God raise you up brings me to my knees in gratitude and love. I am humbled and deeply moved by His work in you. AJL
You made our mom cry. (sorry for sharing that mom....nothing is sacred!) :)
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