In Between Channels

Many times over the past few years I have doubted, wondered and almost given up on the idea of God ever speaking to me. I begin to question if it is even possible. Often times the self-indictment of my own unworthiness and God's lack of interest is where I place the blame for this communication void.  I feel like this is such a sad departure from when the absolutely clear voice of Jesus called me away from a life of addiction and excess.  Am I still hoping to hear that same voice today? To be honest I am not quite sure.  I know for a fact that God is capable, but do I know for a fact that he is willing?  This past weekend I attended a "Space for God" retreat where we learned how to practice solitude.  As much as the idea of silence stacked upon silence sent fear shooting through me, I felt that it was something that I at least needed to experience.  I spent the whole weekend untethered to technology.  No texts, no emails, no work emails, no checking the weather, no checking to see if any newsworthy stories were breaking. This "practicing of solitude" is something that I am just learning to do, but I am already seeing a huge area of weakness in my own spiritual walk.  If I was Peter walking on water, I most likely would not have heard Jesus because of my the music in my headphones or I might have been looking down at my phone, checking the latest scores.  I sometimes feel like one of those old car radio whose knob is stuck between stations. I hear little bits of noise and conversation as they bleed over each other, but there is little or no signal received from the one who offers the greatest words to calm my frenetic soul: "Peace I leave with you."  I am coming to realize that it is not that God no longer cares.  It is not that I have used up all of his grace.  It is not that I only get one chance to hear from God and that I only heard his voice exactly because I was at my darkest moment.  The problem is that my ear is tuned to too many stations at once.  It is not that God does not choose to speak to me, it is that all of the other voices are joining together to drown him out.
Although my thoughts and plans to change this are still in their infancy, I have already felt a change in my level of openness to God's voice.  Something compels me to believe that I am not the only one who is experiencing an increase in voices competing for attention while the only voice that truly matters is lost in this flood of noise.  Maybe you too could spend a few days in deliberate solitude.  Don't check your email, turn off your phone, say "No" a few times, try a day or two without checking the mail. See if the pace of your life slows down and see if the pace of incoming information slows down as well.  Maybe you will begin to hear the voice of God break through, or maybe you will just find yourself able to prepare your heart and soul to better meet with him.  I know that my own longing is that I become like the psalmist in Psalm 132:2 who asks God to "compose and quiet my soul; like a weaned child rests against his mother'.  My prayer is that you long for this as well.
"Lord, help me to seek quiet in my life so that I can hear you voice guide me."